On that same Oprah show that featured Heather Armstrong, the famous Mommy Blogger, I watched as Moms across America shared with their sisters the hardships of sleep deprivation, diapering, potty training, etc..... It was a funny show in many ways. First off, the women who literally wrote the book on Mommy Burnout presented this stuff in a very humorous way. C'mon, although I am sure that at the time, it was no laughing matter, who wouldn't find it funny to picture the woman who had to pee in one of her babies diapers while driving because stopping at a rest stop would mean waking up her kids.
At one point, one woman on the show, speaking about mothering said, "I realized one day that I just was not enjoying this!" It reminded me of a interview I once had with a client who said to me that she wanted to avoid the pain of childbirth by having an epidural because she wanted her and her husband to "enjoy" the birth. They wanted to look back on it and remember it the way they did their wedding day.
I know that if my mother were there watching this Oprah episode with us or if she had been in the interview with that client, she would Kiss her Teeth in the traditional way Jamaicans do when confronted with something we consider Foolishness. "What kind of foolishness is that?" she would surely ask. The kind that sells books and gets you on Oprah, Mom.
Her next question would have been "Who told them that they are supposed to enjoy themselves?"
And this is exactly what I am pondering right now. Who told these women that motherhood, parenting and all that goes along with it was Fun? Who told my clients that childbirth was something that you and your partner Enjoyed together? Like watching the sun rise or seeing a great play. For sure, these are life altering things, momentous and overwhelming...but a party? No. I realized at this point that we have made some sort of shift in our perception of regular life events. In my mothers day, things were just what they were. You didn't ask questions, didn't complain, and certainly didn't analyse. You did not take classes, read 2 dozen books and spend hours and hours on the internet researching the pros/cons of Montesorri vs. Waldorf. You did what was expected and you took what came along with it and you certainly did not expect Rewards or Enjoyment.
Thank goodness, we have come a long way from those days, where women stayed in bad marriages because that was what was expected of you. We no longer have to suffer in silence through legitimate depression issues, we have resources to inspire us to rise above the grindstone of poverty and are encouraged to strive for meaning and connection inside our personal relationships. No one wants to go back to those days.
But has the pendulum swung too far. Do we expect that EVERYTHING has to feel good, be pleasurable, be easy in order for it to be Right? So very often motherhood feels rotten, hurts like hell, is inconvenient, messy, smelly and expensive, regardless of who you are and how much you have to support you. Is it ok for me to say that maybe this is just the nature of the game? That it is impossible to escape it? That if finding Joy in motherhood is something you value, then you have to find it on your own because it is not inherently built in and no one is going to hand it to you?
Is this attitude; that everything we do has to Feel Good in order to be Right something that we have acquired through the media? Is it Global Warming? Is it the fault of our school system, economic system, religion? Does something have to Feel Good in order for it be worthwhile doing? Is this an attitude we want to pass down to our children? Whatever. All I know is that we certainly do have much different expectations of ourselves as mothers now than the women raising children in my own mother's day did. Not only are we expected to care for our children's physical needs, but we also have to make sure they are properly stimulated in all the right ways (crafts, music, books, playdates and the like....) And as women of the new millennium, we often have to hold down jobs, nurture marriages and engage in massive amounts of Self Care (you know, exercise, eat right and apply moisturizer with SPF), in order to be doing it all properly. The job description of motherhood has changed drastically. I KNOW for a fact that my mother couldn't do all what I do.....wouldn't do all that I do. watch me tell her that! She did not read to us, do crafts, take us to the park, ensure we had the right amount of cultural exposure, etc....But she was a Great and Wonderful mother! How did she do this inside of her own bad marriage, while working full time to put food on the table? Because she excelled at what she did. Her job description of motherhood was nowhere near as lengthy and complicated as mine. And, she did not lay awake at night worrying that whether or not she was doing the right thing for us (in our nutrition, educational choices, amount of tv watching etc...) She felt in her bones that she was a good mother and did not question the hardships that came along with it. We now do SO much for our children, provide them with so much more than we received and yet suffer the huge insecurity about whether we are doing it right, about why we are not having fun yet. So, here's the news flash; being engaged and in tune with your kids does not make the job of motherhood any easier or more enjoyable. As a matter of fact it makes it harder. Which is a big reason why now a days we do need to support each other and have structures set up for us to be there for one another. My mother had that built in. She could lean over the fence and holler for Miss. So and so next door to keep an eye on me while she ran down to the post office or whatever. Nowadays, even if Miss so and So did live next door to you, chances are you don't know her well enough to let her watch your baby. So, these women were right in that department. We need each other.
I will add too that these women on the Oprah show were white, middle class women, living in beautiful homes with supportive husbands. One of them even had a Nanny and other household "help". So they were not even anywhere near to facing the kind of challenges most mothers in the world face. It goes to show that with more privilege and ease of life, comes the yearning for more. Now that I don't' have to worry about feeding my kids, keeping a roof over their heads or making sure they dont get blown up, I have the opportunity to turn my attention to more lofty goals; like self fulfillment and pleasure. OK, so now I am getting smarmy and cynical.....AND jealous. I am sure that if I had a beautiful house, supportive partner and no money worries, I could make this Motherhood thing a piece of cake. Right?